Kingdom Idiots
by FunnyBunnyWarrior
Summary: This is a parody of Kingdom Hearts. Includes but is not limited to: Heartless Therapists, Twu Wuv, Violence, Craziness, Bananas, Some crazy Kingdom Heart's fangirl, violence and uncivilized language all in one fanfic! Woo Hoo!
1. Chapter 1: It began here and

Before we start let me restate that this is a parody, a joke and, therefore, not to be taken seriously. I like Kingdom Hearts. It's a good game. I wrote this because one of my friends is obsessed with the game to a freakishly religious, Riku and Sora worshiping level. I'll mention a few of the heartless types in the story, obsessionists aside, that most normal people or casual players may not know the names of so I am including a link to a website where you can find pictures and descriptions of them: http/www.ryuuyume. and in case you didn't know pigeon has been given a new meaning that my friends and I made up.

Pigeon, Noun or Adj.,

1. A girl and/or guy who can't take care of themselves. They are either nastily sweet or annoyingly ditzy, sometimes both. They are almost always madly in love with someone, usually the hero. Sometimes they are known as Damsels in Distress. Examples of pigeons could be: Aerie from Baldur's Gate 2 and Shayna from Legend of Dragoon

2. Fat birds that you poison their bread and they pop.

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters, Kingdom Hearts, Destiny Islands, Disney, Mickey Mouse, Squaresoft nor Cloud (though I wish I did) except for a few original characters. They belong to Sqauresoft and Disney. So DON'T SUE ME! Thank you and that shall be all.

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"Sora…" Kairi's voice quivered.

Sora glanced at the red head girl, whom he had shared so much with. Her icy blue eyes seemed to lock his. He loved her. She loved him. Yet, they had never shared a kiss.

"Kairi," He began.

The sand was warm against their bare-feet. There was the gentle sound of waves lapping against the sandy shore. In short, it was a perfect day on Destiny Island.

She put a slender finger up to his lips to shush him. She was so close to him that he could feel her humid breath on his face.

"Sora," He watched her lips move. She was so beautiful. "Why do you have a girl's name?"

For a moment he barely registered what she had just said. Afterwards, He still didn't register what she had said but he still stupidly said, "I love y-…WHAT!"

"I mean it's just so girly…," She looked distant. "You and Riku both have girly names."

Sora blinked for a few minutes in confusion. For some reason, she just wasn't as beautiful as she had been before.

Suddenly, Riku jumped from behind a tree. "Girly name!" He puffed his chest out to look as manly as possible.

"Were you watching us this whole time?" Sora asked. He tried to puff his chest out as much as Riku. He knew that he was the manlier of the two.

Kairi didn't seem to notice. Both of the boys stopped their contest. What's the point of proving your manliness if the chick you were trying to impress wasn't listening?

She turned around to the two boys, a serious expression etched on her features. "You both have been through so much for me…" Her icy blue eyes seemed to peer into their souls. They shifted uneasily. "The truth is that the reason why they, the heartless, captured me…was because I'm…" She paused for a moment. Tears filled her eyes before she continued, "I'm HALF-PIGEON!" The last words came out a scream.

"Oh, well I could've told you that." Sora said proudly. He had suspected it from day one.

"Don't you care about me?" She asked tearfully.

"Oh…umm…not you personally…" Sora had no idea what effect these words would have on her.

Kairi stared at him for a moment. She then looked at Riku. He cared for her. He _had _to.

"Riku…," She began nervously.

"I'm busy, woman!" He said as he kicked around a rock. Sora, deciding that rock-kicking was more interesting than a girl, joined Riku.

Kairi let a few tears slip down her cheek before screaming phrases such as: "I'll remember you bastards in therapy!" and "I'm going to be in that episode of the Opee Show titled 'Boys: Why they are dick-heads!'"

Unfortunately for Kairi the two boys were too busy in there game of kicking a rock around to really care and probably wouldn't even care if they were listening.

This caused Kairi no end of anger as she gave them the finger and, immediately, stomped off. Not that the two busy boys really could care.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Dr. Dumwittin sat in his huge office chair in his huge circular office, which was filled with huge circular plants and a huge circular window. The ironic thing was that Dr. Dumwittin was not huge nor was he even human. Matter-of-fact he was a shadow heartless. He wore white, doctor's coat, which was also huge. His body guard, a Large Body heartless named Fred Omega, was, naturally, huge.

Dr. Dumwittin was a notorious therapist. He had to change his name and residence over seven times. This was because, ignoring his claims of excellence, he was a crappy therapist. One of his better known aliases was Opee but ,as it would happen, some women already had that name and sued him for all that he was worth, which was the grand total of one munny.

Dr. Dumb, as most, including himself, called him, had a special talent for blowing snot bubbles. He would often do this during some especially long therapy sessions, which was in his book four minutes. He had once made the mistake of blowing snot bubbles during a session with an especially troubled Phantom Heartless client, whom as a child had been beaten with a fish.

He had managed to blow an exceptionally large snot bubble just as his client got to the part where he described how his mother gave him moldy cheese for supper. His client, not understanding the wonder of such a feat, had proceeded to kick his ass. Fred Omega was too busy ridding his nose of slimy invaders with his finger to save Dr. Dumb from his client. Needless to say, Dr. Dumb was none too happy about this.

There was a soft knock on the door that made Dr. Dumb jump in his chair in surprise. His neat, extra-large pile of papers had, unfortunately, been knocked a fraction of an inch in the process. He angrily tried to reach his oversized desk to fix this. His tiny hands worked clumsily with a very large ruler to make sure that his papers were straight.

"Well, what are you staring at, you dingbat? Answer the door!" He narrowed his large, yellow eyes in frustration at his bodyguard.

The Large Body nodded and hobbled over to the door. His fat made this a very difficult task but something about his tiny client's glare made him go faster.

He opened the door and before him stood a red-haired, blue-eyed girl. She couldn't have been more than fourteen years of age.

"It's a girl, boss." The body guard felt triumphant that he had been able to answer the door so quickly. His client, however, was not.

"I can see that, you noodle-brained, mold-growth! Ask for her name!" The itsy-bitsy heartless screamed.

"You're a heartless?" She asked fearfully. She prepared herself to run.

"You wouldn't say! I had no idea!" He saw Kairi's dubious look and continued, "No really! I didn't!"

"Really, Boss? What does that make me?"

"SHUT UP, YOU POOR EXCUSE FOR A LIFEFORM!"

The girl, by this point, looked as if she were about to run and with her, Dr. Dumwittin knew, would go her munny.

The tiniest heartless coughed and stood upright on his desk, so that he looked taller than he really was. "Tell me your name." To his ears his voice was deep and booming. To anyone else's ears his voice was a squeak.

"My-my name is Kairi." At first she stuttered but then her voice grew stronger, "And I HATE MY BOYFRIENDS!"


	2. Chapter 2: Took a Vacation here

Thank you, sunnysky1 for reviewing my first chapter! You did it so quickly, too! Anyway, here is another chapter of teh craziness.

Disclaimer: Is STILL don't own any of the characters (aside from a few originals), places, or things (except for the bananas. I do own that) or, sadly, Cloud (I still wish I did). I recognize that these belong to Disney and Squaresoft. Don't sue me!

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Dr. Dumb shushed the angry girl and handed her a bill. "Pay up and then we'll talk."

Kairi took the paper and stared at the littlest heartless. The bill read like this:

BILL

Wasting my time fee: 100 munny

Therapy session: 200 munny

Red-head fee: 300 munny

Blue-eyed fee: 100 munny

Not a heartless fee: 200 munny

Knocking on door fee: 300 munny

Munny per each word said: 50 munny

Tax: 50 munny

GRAND TOTAL: 1300 times two-thirds times five to the power of eight and a banana

"This is too much!" She whined, "And I can't do that much math!"

"Cry me a river build a bridge and get over it," He didn't even look up from where he was filing his nails with a gigantic fingernail file.

"Well…I could always just use Sora's munny." She dug through her purse for the munny that she had borrowed from Sora when he had saved her from the heartless.

He gleefully took the money and counted it out. The stupid girl had given him more than he had asked for but he wasn't about to tell her that. Wait! Where was his banana! He had clearly written that on the bill! I'll just tell her later when I charge her interest, he concluded.

"Now talk! I don't have all day!"

"Okay boss! When I was twelve my mommy locked me in the closet with a man-eating lobster and-" Fred Omega was immediately quit talking when his client threw a rather large paper-clip at his head.

"Not you, you overly large cheese growth!" He pointed at Kairi. "THE GIRL!"

Fred, being the sensitive heartless he was, began to cry but stopped that when an even larger paperclip was thrown at him.

Kairi watched this spectacle frightfully. She debated with herself as to whether she should scream and run around in circles or scream and run out the door. Unfortunately, the door was locked and so she decided that the intelligent thing would be to sit where she was at…or maybe that was the unintelligent thing to do…she didn't know.

"Now tell me about your boyfriend." He said. He readjusted his large doctor's jacket for what seemed to be the millionth time that day.

"Boyfriends," She corrected quietly.

"Boyfriends," He wrote something down on his humongous pad that looked suspiciously like tic-tac-toe, "Aren't we just a little slut."

Kairi gritted her teeth angrily. "Shut the hell up! I really do love them both, so there!" Kairi unclenched her fist and bowed her head sadly, "We aren't official or anything. I-I think they like me but…I'm not sure now. I'm just not sure. Sora said that he didn't care for me personally…and Riku thought that a rock was more interesting than me…" She sighed, "I don't know which to choose!"

"Yeah, yeah. Cut to the damn chase…" his eyes suddenly became wide in unaccustomed interest, "DID YOU JUST SAY SORA?"

"Er…Yes I did."

The tiny heartless rubbed his hands together evilly. "That bastard was the one who killed my mommy! He shall pay tenfold with pain! MUA TE MUA HE MUA!"

"Ummm…I'm sorry to hear that…" she said unsure. "Who was your mother?"

"She was that really big heartless. Y'know the one he first fought on Destiny Island?"

"Oh…ah well anyway, back to my therapy session. There was that time-"

"NOT NOW!" He shrieked. "I'M PLANNING ON HOW TO PLAN MY EVIL PLANNY THINGY!"  
"But I paid good munny!" Kairi stood from her chair. She was prepared to use her limited knowledge of all things to do with suing if this little man didn't give her money back.

"Boohoo! Cry me a river why won't ya!" He mocked her openly and then turned to his bodyguard. "Well don't just stand there, you moogle-possessed monkey!"

"I'm going to sue you!" She screamed.

This stopped Dr. Dumb cold in his tracks. Suing was an evil little vile thing that made it difficult for villains to carry out there evil plans.

He sighed angrily and said, "Fine. You diagnosis is tooth cancer. Now go away!"

"OH MY! Can I die from it!"

"Yes," he hardly thought of what he was saying, "Matter-of-fact you only have five days to live. NOW LEAVE ME BE!"

"Is it painful!"  
"Yes. NOW GO!"

Kairi was so shocked that she didn't even struggle when Fred Omega roughly escorted her from the premises.

Left alone, Dr. Dumwittin carefully planned how to plan his evil plan of getting rid of Sora. Unfortunately, his pink crayon broke.

"Damn it!" He screamed, "Now I'll have to use blue! I hate blue!"

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Done! Now, remember to review because every time you forget to review a kitten loses its soul.


	3. Chapter 3: And somehow ended here

Thank you to all who reviewed! I really appreciate it! Now, onto the crazy!

Disclaimer: I still STILL don't own any of the characters (aside from a few originals), places, or things (except for the bananas. I do own that) or, sadly, Cloud (I still STILL wish I did). I recognize that these belong to Disney and Squaresoft. Don't sue me!

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Dr. Dumb looked through his huge, circular window outside, to see a red haired girl running down the road, pulling at her teeth as she went. Fred Omega ran towards Dr. Dumb's Psycho Office. The way his jelly rolls bounced up and down, up and down, up and down had the effect of a beached whale tap-dancing...or an overfed cow in a bikini contest. He couldn't decide which was fatter.

Dr. Dumb looked away quickly and turned back to formulating his wicked pan to rid the world of Sora. On the floor beside him was an increasingly growing pile of papers, each had an evil plan written on them in blue crayon. One plan had involved a llama and a toaster but, it had been a very long and complicated, so he had to ditch it.

At this moment, Fred walked through the door…sobbing.

"What is it, you ungodly-scented oreo?" There were two sounds that Dr. Dumwittin couldn't take and that was the sound of wasted munny and crying.

"She kicked meeeeeeee!" This caused him to cry harder. His tears were large enough to drown a large beetle, which by the way, one just so happened to be there and, indeed, did drown.

"Who is this 'she' you speak of?"

"Keero…Kira…Kirna…Kynra…Keewee…-uh- Kairi!" He sniffed a little to emphasize the pain that Keewee-uh-Kairi had caused him.

"You're crying because you were kicked by a fourteen-year-old girl?"

"She has elephant-sized feet!"

The therapist rolled his eyes. This was what he got for hiring a bodyguard at half-price! At the time, it seemed like such a bargain, too! He threw a very large paper weight at the Large Body Heartless and, returned to his work.

"How am I to kill Sora…?" He pulled at his antenna in frustration. Suddenly, his eyes snapped open as an idea came over him. "Fangirls! Now, where am I to find fangirls?"

"You could always put up advertisements for a cruise to Destiny Island to meet Sora and Riku! Then, when they are all at Destiny Island, all they need is rope! Sora will be out of your hair for good!" Fred said this with rare cleverness.

"I don't HAVE hair, you disfigured toadstool!" Dr. Dumb then tapped his chin casually, pretending to be in deep thought. "Of course, your plan does have some merit...fine I'll use it!"

"Do I-"

"No, you don't get a raise!"

The bodyguard sighed and turned towards the wall…sulking.

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Riku and Sora had been kicking their rock around for a day, now. They couldn't quit; the game was just too much fun. Earlier that day, their rock had 'accidentally' hit Selphie. The poor, unfortunate girl had been knocked from the pier, where she had been sitting, and fell into the water. She would've lived if it hadn't been for the sharks and conveniently placed spikes.

Ironically, that same day Wacca's corpse had been found, with the shape of a volley ball and rock imprinted into his skull.

Riku lifted his head towards Sora, "You think…what was her name, again?"  
Sora shrugged, "Keewee, I think."

"Do you think that Keewee was serious?" This was the first time that the boy's realized that their friend had been gone for a day and a half. Such was the joy of rock-kicking. It made one forget their troubles. If only the whole world would just give up some of their time to kick rocks with their family. Alas, this was never to happen. Though, there is a pro-campaign for it somewhere in the humid jungles of Alaska.

Of course, along with pro-campaigns come the dreaded anti-campaigns. There was one, as it was said, in the frozen deserts of South America. They wanted the sport of rock-kicking to be banned since it encouraged violence in young children (Secretly though, they were just jealous that they sucked at it).

Sora shrugged again. "I don't know. Maybe, she died." He paused and then gleefully screamed, "Hey, my rock just knocked a seagull from the sky! Ten bonus points!"

Riku let out an angry huff and kicked at some sand. This was the sixth time today Sora had gotten bonus points. Riku, however, did get fifty bonus points for killing Wacca. Unfortunately for him, Sora had gotten sixty for killing Selphie.

Suddenly, both the boys stiffened in fear as they heard a faint squeal in the distance. It sounded like a million pigs were about to lay siege to the island. In all actuality, it was the most feared force in existence…fangirls…

XXXXXXXXX

A large cruise boat sailed through the water, tearing the ocean before as if it were scissors, which by they way it wasn't. Its destination: Destiny Island. Its passengers: one-thousand squealing fangirls. Its crew: fifty drunk heartless and a banana.

Anna glared at the annoying girls, all cluttered around her. She let a bit of frizzy, dirty-blonde hair fall from her ponytail and land on her shoulder. She had the understandable urge to kill all the other girls on the ship.

Anna, you see, was really not a fangirl. In truth, she despised fangirls and Kingdom Hearts dearly. She had only come with her fangirl friend, Rimi, to watch Sora and Riku be accidentally torn to little bite-sized bits by a bunch of wild, rabid girls, who claimed they loved them.

Fangirls, as you probably don't know, are a race all of their own. It is said that they were once human but were transformed into…something else, through their obsession with someone. They communicated with each other through a series of squeals. This language is very complicated but, somehow it comes natural to them. Often times, outsiders are driven to homicide.

Fanboys, are a completely different matter and something that should never be gotten into, suffice to say that they communicate through grunts. This, also, drives outsiders to homicide.

Rimi, had thrown many a girl overboard after they claimed that Sora was to be theirs.

"Did you not play the game?" She screamed, "HE'S KAIRI'S!"

This caused the girls to become red-eyed and vicious. They looked as if they were about to beat Rimi with pom-poms and throw her overboard. Kairi was hated and reviled among many of them. The mere mention of her was enough to drive them mad with bloodlust and foaming at their lip-glossed mouths.

"Have you beaten Sepporidoodoo? I've beaten him twenty times!" Rimi taunted the girls. She climbed up onto a table, away from their reach.

One girl let out a high pitched war squeal. Soon they all joined in.

_Another brawl_, Anna thought with a hint of amusement, _man, these girls are touchy._

Everyone stopped and stared at the intercom as a slurred voice boomed, "We are now at Destiny Island. Carefully-yes, that means you-make your way to the nearest ramp and carefully-no throwing anyone overboard-exit the ship."

Anna held her ears and fell to her knees as a million squeals filled the air, causing her ears to bleed.

It was a dark day for Destiny Island as a million fangirls spilled from the ship, their squeals ripping through the air.

XXXXXXX

Done and done! The next chapter should be up soon!


	4. Chapter 4: A Fool Proof Plan

Hey all! To get this out of the way Rimi and Samaru are based on my real-life friends! One of them is on this (or soon to be) site as KingdomHeartsDayDreamer. She is getting ready to post stories so if ya'll could read it, please do so or I'll have to drag out my box of kittens….It is really quite good, really romantic and fluffy. I'm the editor of them.

By-the-way, I have never played a single Final Fantasy game so I have probably butchered Tidus to an extreme in an attempt to make my own Self-esteem higher. I apologize sincerely for this but I won't fix it.

Ya'll have been so good to me with your reviews-I've only had to steal 50 kitten souls-so thank you! Not that every post has to be positive. I don't mind constructive criticism so if you have any suggestions, ideas, or whatever.

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters, Kingdom Hearts, Destiny Islands, Disney, Mickey Mouse, Squaresoft nor Cloud (though I wish I did) except for a few original characters. They belong to Sqauresoft and Disney. So DON'T SUE ME! Thank you and that shall be all.

Anyway, now that is out of my system ON TO THE CRAZY!

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Dr. Dumb admired his work from the balcony on the tree house. The fangirls were currently chasing down Sora and Riku, who had hidden themselves at the moment they had heard the squeals. His tiny feet hurt horribly.

He squinted into the distance. His body guard was no where in sight. He mumbled to himself, annoyed. At that moment, he heard a voice coming from inside the tree house.

"Am I a sexy beast or what?" the voice bragged.

Dr. Dumb looked in through the doorway. He could see that the voice belonged to Tidus, who was busy brushing his hair with a jeweled comb and, winking provocatively for his own reflection -seeing as how Selphie died- in the floor-length mirror.

Dr. Dumb smile impishly, his white teeth -fangs really- contrasted with his black skin, as he got an idea. Dr. Dumb was highly-skilled at throwing his voice, which was a useful talent especially when you are hiding from ex-girlfriends whom happened to be ten-times your own size. Why I must always go for the big girls, he would often say of _that_ particular memory.

"Or what?" Dr. Dumb asked, throwing his voice rather well.

Tidus whirled around, trying to figure out who had just spoken, all in vain. "Who was that?" He asked, followed by a very lady-like scream.

"I am you. I am the voice in your head." He barely kept himself from snickering.

"What…? OH NO, YOU ARE BACK, AGAIN!"

'Back again?', Dr. Dumb thought quizzically. He shook his little head and said, "Er…Yes…of course! Now there are over a thousand girls outside waiting to meet you…us…so RUN TO THEM! They love you!"

"Yes, freaky-voice-in-my-head, I must meet these ladies!" Tidus smiled and tried to cock his eyebrow sexily, the effect, however, was the opposite. He flexed his muscles. "God, I am like soooo sexay!"

What a loser, Dr. Dumb thought, maybe, I should tell him to get therapy…?

Dr. Dumb quickly scrambled away to hide, snickering mockingly, as Tidus made his way out of the door and down to one thousand of his "loving fans".

XXXXXXXX

"Anna, get your sorry butt up and help search! I know Sora and Riku are nearby…I can smell their scent in the air." Rimi sniffed. "It smells like butterscotch and perfume really…with a hint of Axe…Oh, what a sweet scent! It smells like my Gamesquare controller!"

Anna took a step forward, only to trip over her own feet. She cursed colorfully and hopped up, hoping no one noticed.

"Sora is soooo sexay! Riku is a jack---," Rimmi stopped singing when she drew some angry glares from the nearby fangirls, "But still sexay!" she finished, hoping that she wasn't about to get pounced.

Samaru-who was 10 percent lobster, 10 percent anime fan, 5 percent human, 1/.8033 percent hamster and 85 percent something else-pushed her way through the crowd of girls. She was Anna's other crazy friend. They were all crazy now that Anna thought about it.

"Hey, Rimmi!" She screamed when she finally made it them. "Secret handshake!"

Rimmi and Samaru both started hopping around on one foot while making the calls of a dying bird. Then, they both did jumping jacks and screamed to each other in a language that they have dubbed "The Sora and Riku Fangirl" but outsiders have dubbed "Oh, my poor tortured eardrums".

Anna backed away slowly, making the signs of the cross with her fingers and whispering fervent prayers that she didn't know these people. Next, she slapped stickers for the National Lightsaber Association on her head. Nobody would mess with a jedi!

They still came closer, however, and, Anna had the sinking feeling in her stomach that these people weren't going to just go away. So she joined in on their secret handshake.

"God, Anna, you're embarrassing us! Just stop!" Rimi and Samaru both exclaimed in unison.

Anna stopped and stood for a moment. All the girls-human, fangirl and otherwise-stopped to listen as Tidus made his way through the crowd, screaming, "Wait your turn, Ladies!" and "There's enough of me to go around! Heh heh heh!" He even commented to one girl, "Hey babe, come here often?"

The girls all turned their heads away in disgust, until one girl screamed, "Sacrifice him in the name of Sora and Riku!"

The girls all squealed in agreement…except Rimi.

"Ya'll, can't do that!" She screamed. "He's a Kingdom Hearts and Final Fantasy character!"

"Why, thank you!" Tidus said, making his way toward Rimi. "Will you be my hot girlfriend since Selphie kicked the bucket?"  
Rimi, disgusted, went on to say, "Even if he is a loser…"

"Hey! I hate you, you meanie-mean person!" He poked his lip out to a dangerously large level, when a fly, thinking it to be a landing pad, flew right on it. At this same moment he inhaled a large bit of air and the unfortunate fly. "Ewww! I ate a fly! Icky! Icky! Ewwwww!" He spat on the ground and rubbed his tongue with his finger, as if he could clean his tongue of all the fly's impurities. Poor fly.

This was when, looking up, he caught a glimpse of Samaru and Anna. He casually walked over to them.

"Hey babes-" He began but he was never able to finish on account of being surrounded by a million girls and tied with rope.

"Throw him in the sacrificial chamber pot!" One girl screamed.

The girls all nodded their agreement as they grabbed Tidus by his hair and dragged him behind them.

Tidus just smiled. He obviously had no clue where these girls were taking him or perhaps he thought it was to the sauna.

XXXXXXX

Dr. Dumb merrily skipped down the sandy beach, making tiny footprints in the sand. His plan was going great, his new goal in life to be rid of Sora was about to be complete.

He was thinking about this when he caught sight of Riku, sitting on the pier, probably thinking something stupid like "Are there other worlds out there?" or the what not.

Dr. Dumb saw this as his chance to strike at Sora through his friend. Oh, this would be so damn fun!

He sat next to the silver-haired boy. The boy glanced at him, his eyes went wide and, he jumped up.

"You're a heartless!" He screamed and pointed.

The therapist angrily rolled his eyes and glared at the boy. "Racist bigot, I'm also a therapist! I'm reformed!"

"You're a therapist!" He screamed louder, pointing frantically. "And reformed! Aghhh!"

"Yes and I offer you a FREE therapy session, seeing as how you need all the therapy you can get…" Dr. Dumb smiled, showing each of his white fangs.

The boy stopped screaming and pointing and simply started blinking rapidly, as if a heartless therapist giving a free therapy session was so hard to comprehend. What an idiot. Finally, he nodded his agreement, not knowing that this was all part of Dr. Dumb's plan.

"Now, sit, you idio-" He stopped thinking it wise not to call his patient an idiot, "extremely troubled but very much loved lump on a moogle's backside." Yes, that would work just nicely.

The boy sat, brushing his hair from his eyes. "Beneath this calm exterior," He began sobbing.

Dr. Dumb waited expectantly. Maybe he was about to tell a secret that would help him to kill Sora! Yes, that must be it!

"I have erotic fantasies of dancing hippos."

The heartless just stared at him stupidly, the only thought going through his head being 'what the hell!' and 'this boy's going to have to pay me for just putting such a stupid thought in my head!'

Riku sobbed into his knees. Dr. Dumb kicked him in his side and stomped off, yelling profanities as he went. It was time for plan B2.


	5. Chapter 5: Except Nothing's Fool Proof

Wow! I'm on the fifth chapter already! YAY! I honestly didn't think that anyone would really care to read this story but with seventeen reviews (Not including my own, of course) I guess people really do care. Thank you to all who reviewed. Ya'll guy and gals are great! Now, ON TO THE CRAZY!

Oh and review please, for the kittens if nothing else!

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing, zip, nadda, zero, except for a few originals (Dr. Dumb, Fred Omega, Anna, Samaru and Rimi). Sqauresoft and Disney own them. Please almighty people don't sue me!

**Warning**: This story, according to a recent study, has been proven to be linked to tooth cancer (they are still finding out how). It has also been found to be linked to eyeball cancer. This story may cause continuous babble of random sayings, a sudden urge to stab your little brother or to smother your Chihuahua. Go ahead and read if you already experience these problems, have a history of doing so or have no history of doing so. However, if you are completely humorless, walk away from the computer and shove the mouse down your throat.

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Sora hid behind a rock. His breath came out in short ragged bursts of exhaustion. His heart thumped wildly inside his ribcage, part of this was due to fear of fangirls and the other part due to running from them. He knew that they would eventually sniff him out. He shuddered. What did these girls want with him? The more he answered that question the more frightened he became.

He heard the shuffle of numerous feet in the distance. His spine stiffened and he almost forgot to breath. Could it be fangirls? A high-pitched squeal ripped through the air. Holy crap, it was fangirls.

The girls came closer; they must've caught his scent in the air. What did those girls see in him! Why couldn't they just leave him alone? He suddenly wished that he was Titus, no girls liking him except for that annoying little Selphie. I'll fight them, he decided. How bad could it be to fight off a bunch of crazy girls anyway? Harder than he would ever imagine…

He stepped out from behind the rock. He stood as straight as he could and held his chin high. He was going to show these girls that he meant business.

"I'll warn you once: Go away or I'll kill you!" He smiled confidently.

Suddenly, he heard a laugh come from the crowd of girls that was totally rude and unexpected. This threw off his confident air.

"Yeah right! I'd like to see you try!" Anna yelled out.

"Shut up, Anna!" Rimi exclaimed. "You're being mean to my Sorie-poopie-muffiny-kins!"

"He just said that he was going to kill us all!" Anna shouted, even though Rimi was right next to her.

"Anna, don't you know anything? Sora-cakey-kins just likes to have his personal space. Not only that but he is uncomfortable around lots of girls because in the second grade girls would always try to put make-up on him and brush his hair, scarring him for life! Furthermore," Rimi looked around to make sure everyone was listening before continuing. "He has DBHD; a horrible disease that effects 0.2 people every ten years. It stands for Dirty Blond Hair Disorder which means that he is very frightened of people with dirty blond hair because it never appears in any type of video game to come out of Japan to date." She pointed at Anna. "You clearly have dirty blonde hair and therefore you are clearly the cause of his anxiety. He does however have a fondness for green and purple hair."

Rimi took a deep breath and glanced back at Samaru. "Did I get it all?"

Samaru shrugged. "I think so. However, Riku has ABCD which is a horrible disease that-"

Rimi interrupted her. "We aren't talking about Riku right now! We will, however, get to that later!"

"How did you know all that!" Sora screeched; his personal secrets now made public knowledge.

Rimi smiled and hid something behind her back, which looked suspiciously like the gear used by stalkers.

"Losers…" Anna mumbled under her breath. "Obviously, it's going to take a while before ya'll start shredding Sora into bite-size pieces so I guess I'll just go get a latte while I wait…"

Anna walked away, leaving Sora with the girls.

"Okay, you girls obviously aren't gone now so now we have to fight!" Sora shouted uncertainty at the edges of his voice.

The girls eyed him expectantly as he tried to summon his keyblade. With a puff of smoke a key fell from the sky and into his hand. He stared at the tiny key.

"Hey! This is my house key! Dang it!"  
He tossed away his house key. He tried once again and again a small key fell into the palm of his hand.

"What the heck am I doing with Riku's house key!"

He grumbled and tossed the key to the ground, not noticing the many girls clawing at each other just to see who got to lay claim to Riku's house key.

Once again he tried and once again he got another small key.

"Damn it! I have too many keys! I give up!" He tossed the small key away, never realizing that if he had only tried again then he would've gotten the keyblade. Ah well.

He then, from thin air, summoned a golden lamp, it had been a gift from Aladdin when he had gone to Agrabra and helped save Princess Jasmine.

He rubbed it roughly. The fangirls looked on in awe. What was their sexliciousgod about to do now?

The girls all gasped when the lamp floated into the air, smoke billowing from its spout. Even Sora, who had done this so many times before, stared at it with child-like wonder.

The lamp glowed and a voice boomed from it: "Welcome to the Genie Hotline. I'm sorry but I am unavailable at the moment. If you are in extreme danger then please rub frantically and run around in circles. If you are in moderate danger then please rub twice. If you are somewhat in danger please rub once. If you are not in any danger and are just a lazy ass who wants to make me do all your work for you with a wish, then please, take the pointy end of this lamp and stab yourself through the heart."

Sora started rubbing the lamp frantically, the girls slowly edged closer, bags big enough to hold a human and his spiky hair draped over their shoulders and they held coils of rope in their manicured hands. The faster Sora rubbed the lamp's golden surface the closer the girls got. He let out a cry of fear as they grabbed him. He let go of the lamp by accident as they stuffed him into their bag, tying the top closed with rope.

He had fought back, complete with scratching, clawing, slapping and biting, but there were just too many of them.

They dragged him away, towards the ship that had brought him.

XXXXXXXXX

"What's your name?" Anna asked the man beside her. She had her hands behind her back, concealing a coil of rope.

"Cloud." He answered. He slowly tried to sidle away but she stepped closer for every step he took farther. This chick was damn freaky. His large sword was strapped to his back. It reflected the sunset off of its metallic surface beautifully, just like his blond hair, Anna suspected it had to do with his hair gel.

"Good. Now I'm going to kidnap you now because you're damn hot." She said, slowly uncoiling the rope behind back. "Then I'll stick you in my closet."

"I'd like to see you do that." He scoffed. "Besides, you hardly know me. What if I have a bad personality?"

"Slaves don't need personalities." She said smiling. By this time, she had uncoiled the whole rope and was about to lasso him with it when she heard footsteps coming towards her.

"ANNA! No enslaving Final Fantasy characters!" Samaru screamed as she came closer, Rimi in tow. Samaru wagged her finger, as if scolding a child.

"Besides," Rimi began matter-of-factly. "In the great tradition of Final Fantasy games, He probably already has a sappy romance with someone else."

"But I wasn't looking for romance!" Anna whined. "I was looking for-" Anna never was able to finish because Cloud had, by this point, unsheathed his massive sword and proceeded to stab Anna through the head.

Rimi took a quick glance at the gargantuan sword wedged through Anna's skull. "She'll be okay. It's only a flesh wound!" She said casually. For some reason, Anna had no comment on this.

"We're sorry for our friend's behavior." Rimi said, addressing cloud. "We fear the pessimist freak gene runs in her family. Just be lucky that you're not Axel…then there'd be no stopping her…"

Cloud gave the two girls a strange look as he pulled his sword out of Anna's head and kicked the corpse. "Axel…! You don't mean that-"

"Like she said, it's the pessimist freak gene." Samaru explained.

Cloud simply nodded and walked away into the sunset, like a modern day cowboy. Until, of course, he was pummeled into the ground by a convenient herd of elephants, like an unfortunate cowboy.

The elephants, at the trial, had no comment for the alleged murder of Cloud. Their lawyer, however, quoted, "My clients are obviously mentally unfit due to abuse by a chicken with a moustache and very atypical hair cut, when they were younger." The judge quickly ruled out this testimony due to lack of evidence. The elephants had no comment. Matter-of-fact, they didn't say a word the whole trial.

Rimi and Samaru walked away, leaving Anna's body where it lay. Anna was alive, just unconscious. She would wake up angry later, hence why her two friends walked away, for their own safety.

XXXXXXXXXX

The shipped rocked back and forth on the ocean waves, making Sora queasy. His legs felt wobbly and his head seemed light, it was a feeling akin to when he first drove his gummi ship. Worse, he was surrounded by a pack of girls, which wouldn't have been so bad if they weren't _fan_girls.

They were all packed onto the deck, the scent of butterscotch, fangirl and hairspray was prominent in the air. Sora took a step backwards and found him against the railing of the ship. It was all that kept him from falling into the ocean.

Kairi stood beside him, biting her bottom lip. There was no telling what these girls had in store for her. They hated her and Kairi knew it. This bothered her to no end. How could you hate _the_ Princess of Pure Hearts! It was just unfathomable…to her, at least.

"You can't hurt us because I have the power of my friends." Sora said, touching Kairi's hand. Kairi stared at him with adoration.

The head fangirl hissed and let out a earsplitting war squeal. Sora terrified, totally forgot about his power of friendship as he shoved Kairi forward. She fell to the ground with a thud, her heart broken, just as her spleen was about to be by the ravenous fangirls.

"Take her!" He screamed "Just don't hurt meeeeee!"

Sora saw no other escape. He would only survive if he jumped. He jumped right off the side of that ship and into the water. He, surprisingly, didn't sink because of the five cans of hairspray he used on his hair each morning to keep his hair in those ridiculous spikes, this made his hair into the ideal float.

For a second, Sora caught a glimpse of a dark silhouette falling off the side of the ship and into the water. Once in the water, the figure swam towards him. It was Kairi.

"Sora!" She screamed. She swam towards him until she was close enough to touch his face.. She grabbed him by his arms and buried her head into his chest, crying. "I was so scared!" She mumbled.

He pushed her away. She madly swung her arms up and down, trying not to drown.

"Sora!" She sobbed. "I thought that you loved me!"

"Love only lasts as long as you're of use and I'm not in danger, bitch!" Sora said as he started to swim away, towards Destiny Island.

"No! Sora, don't leave me!" She swam towards him but he swam faster.

"I'll use your dead body as a raft!" Sora screamed back as he swam away. Further and further.

Kairi followed, with no real hope of catching up.

XXXXXXXXX

"Sora's more resourceful than I thought…" Dr. Dumb said grudgingly to his bodyguard.

"Huh?" The bodyguard wasn't particularly interested. He was much too busy counting the grains of sand on the beach. He had already counted to one-thousand. Unfortunately, he had counted a thousand times the same grain of sand.

"He escaped the fangirls!" The tiny heartless screamed, for once not calling his bodyguard a mean name.

"Oh…" The large-body heartless said.

"Come on." Dr. Dumb ordered, motioning for the large-body to follow. "We have some work to do."

It took great effort for the fat heartless to get up. When he was a fraction of the inch off the ground Dr. Dumb kicked him angrily, sick of waiting.

"You stupid sand-counting, lard filled donut! Hurry up!" He shouted.

Fred Omega quickly got up, or as quick as he could with all that extra blubber in his gut. He tried to keep up with his client, who was stomping away into the sunset…until a large herd of elephants stomped the tiny heartless into the sand.

Fred worriedly ran towards his client when the herd had all gone off. "You okay, Boss" He asked.

Dr. Dumb glared at him and hopped up, fixing one of his crooked antennas. "Let's…just…go…kill…Sora…" He said slowly. When he saw that his bodyguard wasn't quick enough to respond he screeched "NOW!"

And so they both walked, careful to avoid the sunset.

XXXXXXXXX

No puppies were harmed in the making of this fanfic since nobody cares about them. Kittens however…


	6. Chapter 6: The True Love that was Not

Well, the next chapter. I warn you. There are things in this chapter that will cause you to wish to kill me if you are a fangirl (who isn't?). If you are a fangirl then I advise you to see that things are not always as they seem...so read the whole chapter first.

**Disclaimer:** I own NOTHING to do with Disney or Kingdom Hearts.

Sora swam through the water, tearing through it with his limber arms, towards the shore. He could see it in the distance, just a thin tan line from where he was at. He made progress, slowly getting closer. Soon it became more than a line and, then he could see every detail of the shore, he could even count the grains of sand on the beach if he so wished, which was strange, he realized because he shouldn't be able to do so if he were still in the water.

Suddenly, he realized with fervent certainty that he was out of the water, dragging himself across beach's sand. He also realized that he had sand in his pants, which, as one could imagine, was a feeling akin to having one's ass wiped with sandpaper.

He stood up; shaking his legs, ungodly amounts of sand fell to the ground from his shorts, sand that nobody would want to touch…ever. That sand would, thanks to the rock cycle, become a rock in a billion years that someone would take a gander at and say, "Looks like a good place to eat lunch." This same person will sit on the rock, and realize that they have forgotten plates so they will eat their food from the stone. This person will never know that this stone's past as sand in an androgynous boys pants. This person will, however, say "This food tastes funny," before losing their balance and falling into the ocean. They would have lived if it weren't for the fact that a lighting storm had started that exact moment and strikes that person into a charred crisp. This person never even got the chance to curse the world for conductivity.

Sora stared out into the ocean, squinting, the sun's rays getting into his eyes. He made a makeshift umbrella with his hands so that he could see clearer. Out in the ocean, Riku stood, alone as far as he could tell. His silver hair whipped his face as the salty, sea breeze blew softly, and Sora wondered briefly what horrors in Riku's past had made his hair turn grey and why Riku reminded Sora of his grandmother.

Riku put his hand on his hip and motioned for Sora to come. Sora nodded and ran towards him, his world moving at a snail's pace.

Riku glanced at the tiny heartless, sitting on his shoulder. Riku's mind could not function without someone there to whisper the positives of evil into his ear and why good was for wusses. The tiny heartless nodded, signaling that Riku must continue on with the plan. He had refused to give his name to Riku, saying that, if he did, he would have to eat Riku's heart, and while the little heartless was not above eating hearts, he needed oregano to go with them and, unfortunately, he had used the last bit on the delectable heart of a crazed camel.

Sora ran towards Riku. He didn't know why he was running towards him or what he would do when he got there. Something urged him own, something like horrific plot devices and stinky writing.

Sora's feet hit the ocean, causing the water to splash his legs, leaving little droplets. The water was shallow. Sora hoped that this would not change, of course, it will. Sora finally was close enough to Riku that he could see his face, no longer the smudge it had been when he had seen it from the shore. Now he saw it clearer, in detail. For some reason he didn't seem to see the heartless perched on the boy's shoulder.

"Riku," Sora screamed. "What are you doing out in the ocean? What am I-" Alas, Sora never got to finish his sentence, Riku had taken a knife and stabbed Sora. Poor, Poor Sora.

Riku stared down at Sora's limp body. "Are you sure this is the best way to rebuild friendships?" The grey-haired boy glanced at his friend's body again and then looked fully at the heartless.

"Do you dare deny the power of evil in the field of friendships boy?" Dr. Dumb said. His yellow eyes were slits. "I am a therapist. I know these things! Don't deny the darkness! Don't deny it, damn it! Good will devour you, and if you're 'good' enough it will wake you up one day and you'll come face-to-face with your bride, an eight-hundred pound lotion model! Evil will welcome you warmly, with hugs and kisses and alcohol, hot babes if you're evil enough."

"…I'm not interested in any of that…" The boy said. His mind was on other things. Other frilly, grey, obese, dancing things.

"Fine, I'll throw in the dancing hippos. Now accept the darkness." Dr. Dumb threw back his head and laughed a maniacal "Muatehateha". His mouth wide open, allowing for a bird to excrete its feces...right into the heartless' mouth. His eyes went wide and he swallowed sea water, trying to wash to feces from his mouth. He made a disgusted face before turning to face Riku.

"I accept the darkness." Riku said with a heated craze. "I give up all my morals and beliefs because an insane heartless tells me to!" Riku accidentally knocked the heartless off of his shoulder as he lifted his arms in praise of his newfound beliefs.

The heartless fell, and made sure that he clawed the boy's shoulder to pieces before he hit the water, causing a tiny splash.

"Damn you!" The heartless screamed, shaking off excess water. "Go back to being good, you crazed hippo stalker! Maybe, your brain will turn to mush!"

"How did you know I was a hippo stalker!" The boy shrieked shrilly.

"I didn't-" Dr. Dumwittin then realized that this was his chance to manipulate Riku, he decided that his well-being should be fine as long as he didn't sit on the boy's shoulder. "I know many things about you, Riku. Such is the plus of being an evil villain. We also get to say really cool cliched lines like, "Ah, (insert hero's name) I was expecting you. Now, I shall test your power and when you beat me run away like a wuss, only to be beat again." That is besides the point, however, the point is I know a lot of stuff about you. I know that you stuff your shirt to make your abs look bigger so that girls will think "Omigod! Sexy! Hot!" but really they only wonder about your bra size."

"They do...?" Riku said surprised. "Is that why they always laugh at me!"

"Yes. Yes it is." The heartless shivered, a cold breeze blew making his soaked doctor's jacket a personal refrigerator. Hmm..., he thought, the residents of Destiny Islands arn't very smart. Maybe, I could sell soaked doctor's coats to them at inflated prices claiming them to be wearable refrigerators (only works outside in cool breezes).

Riku fell to his knees in the shallow water, sobbing into his hands. "Oh! My life sucks! I have nothing left to live for! You are a therapist, what should I do?"

Dr. Dumb patted him on the back. "Here, take this. It is guaranteed to solve 99.9 (I would say a hundred percent but there is a dumbass law that prevents me from presenting my product as perfect) of problems." He handed the sobbing boy a knife, patting him on the back once more.

Riku took the knife and then threw it far away. It flew through the air and landed in the ocean, getting carried away by a tide. "Dude, suicide is not the answer. Cutting your wrists is not the answer. Killing your chihuahua is not the answer. Beating yourself with a fish is not the answer. This has been a public announcement by Public Announcement Enterprises TM."

The tiny heartless had had enough, this boy was a crack job if he had ever seen one. So he did as he did all cracked jobs, he kicked his knee and walked away. I better find Fred Omega, he thought, no telling the many ways that he is unraveling my plan by just the few hours that I have been gone!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Sora crawled onto the shore of the island, clutching his bleeding wound. The blood spilled onto the sand, turning it a tacky, distasteful red. He whispered 'heal' to himself and his wound started to close. He winced at the stinging pain, his spell cleaning his wound of bacteria.

He couldn't believe that Riku had betrayed him for the fifteenth time (One of those times being when Riku had stolen his orange crayon. He had yet to forgive him). He steeled his heart, vowing to never trust Riku, again. Riku, his rock-kicking buddy, his partner in the mental destruction of Kairi, a betrayer,...a villain!

Sora stood up, his wound was closed, his shirt still sliced open, revealing his chest. He knew he had to fix it before any fangirls saw it. He shuddered just thinking about them. Slowly, he stood, and walked across the beach, leaving only footprints behind.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Fred!" Dr. Dumb screamed. His bodyguard was only a short distance away.

"Yes, boss." The bodyguard looked up from where he was making a sandcastle, a pretty plastic doll in a pink bathing suit was beside the bodyguard, as well as another plastic doll, made in the likeness of a man in a speedo.

"Don't tell me that you have been here making sandcastles and playing dolls, while I have been out working on the plan! Have you not done anything helpful?"

"...erm...no. Hey, Boss, you wanna play? You can be Bobby!" The large body held up the plastic man doll. "He cheated on Seena with a tree. Seena is still coming to terms with it. Later, I'll reveal Bobby's lovechild."

The tiny heartless stood in a stunned silence, his anger overflowing. He kicked down the sand castle, tore off Bobby's head, threw it into the ocean, eating Bobby's body, preventing Bobby from ever discovering his lovechild. He then took Seena and ripped her to shreds, shoving the plastic pieces into his bodyguard's face. Fred watched this display of doll violence with tears in his eyes.

"You are useless! Utterly, useless!" The therapist shrieked.

Fred swallowed his tears and nodded. He was going to be useful. He was going to make Dr. Dumwittin not feel sorry for hiring him. He would start now. "Did you know that Sombrero means hat in Spanish?"

"Gah! You are useless." The heartless yanked at his antennas in fury.

Fred was shocked. He thought that he was being useful. The heartless allowed tears to slip down his face.

"...damn blubber monkey." Dr. Dumb mumbled.

"Did you know that monkeys are primates?"

"Shut up!" Dr. Dumb screamed. He continued once he saw that his bodyguard was quite. "Now, Sora is dead. We must now find a way off of this island. Unfortunately, the fangirls sailed away with our boat."

"...Did you know that pirates used boats?"

The therapist glared at his bodyguard and walked away. A bewildered Fred Omega followed.


	7. Chapter 7: A Waste of Life

Well, I am newly arisen from the dead to...guess what? Write fanfiction! Yes, I know, I know. It has been months since I have updated this. Most people probably have forgotten about it. However, I shall see this through to the end…and before I grow old, too! Yay! This particular chapter is very long to make up for my very long absence. Now (and it's been months since I have last said this), ONTO THE CRAZY!

Oh, and for anybody who cares, here is the old summary for this story. The summary was newly changed for your protection!

**Summary:** This is a parody of Kingdom Hearts. Includes but is not limited to: Heartless Therapists, Twu Wuv, Violence, Craziness, Bananas, Some crazy Kingdom Heart's fangirl, violence and uncivilized language all in one fanfic! Woo Hoo!

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

It was a dark and stormy night…somewhere else. But, on Destiny Islands it was-- in a clinically depressed hippo's mind-- the perfect day. The rain was pouring down on what should have otherwise been a happy day. The birds were dieing, the sun was exploded, the trees were cut for humanity's use and animals and people alike were generally depressed, as they often are.

For some reason, which has absolutely nothing to do with the author's laziness, all members of Organization XIII were living and well. They were so living and well that they were, in fact, running a lemonade stand just for the residents of Destiny Island! Oh joy of joys! Evil lemonade for all them "teh ebol" kids who refused to drink virtuous beverages. It was their desperate attempt at becoming "hip and cool" so that they could implant the seeds of evil in young children's minds. Kind of like what Su-Gi-Ah and Pikomon cards did!

That particular time of day, and that wonderful hour had been the shift of both Larxene and Axel.

"This is stupid." Larxene hissed. "It makes me want to hurt someone…hurt them really, really bad."

A lemon raised across the counter on two stubby legs. It was roughly the size of a fist. A heartless lemon, Larxene thought sardonically, brilliant. She raised her clenched hand above the heartless. Moving her arm down, she smacked the lemon heartless into a pulp. The lemon let out a small squeak of evil before it died.

"You didn't put laxatives in the lemonade, did you?" Axel asked. He rested his arm on the rickety wooden counter; his head in the palm of his hand. Xemnas is such a cheap bastard, Axel thought; thinking of how Xemnas had hired underpaid smurfs to build the counter.

"Only the lemonade you drink, you backstabbing bastard." Larxene replied menacingly.

"You still haven't forgotten that, have you?" Axel asked casually. He set his finger afire. Bored, he watched as the flame's motion as it flitted one way and the other.

"Get that away from the wood!" Larxene ordered. Her eyes moved towards the fire.

"Why?" Axel asked.

"Oh, I don't know, you pyro-fetishist. Let's think about this. Wood is easily flammable. That fire," She pointed. "…will destroy the whole damn stand! Hmmm…how do you think Xemnas will feel about that?"

"Pyro-fetishist …? Hey, I only tried to shape a lover from fire ONCE! Once dammit!" Axel sulked. "It didn't end well."

"Just keep the fire—and your fetishes—away from the wood counter and, we'll get along just fine." She slowly whispered her next words, savoring each one. "Of course, we'll get along even better if your innards were spread across the ground." She smiled. "…making you effectively dead."

"Hey, you're smiling! What evil thoughts are you thinking?" Axel panicked.

"Oh nothing." Larxene said mockingly. "Only that I want to lightning your ass until it's a charred crisp."

"Oh yeah. Like _that's_ going to do this damn lemonade stand any good." Axel blew a strand of red hair from his line-of-sight. "And you complained about me and my fire…"

"I don't care about this stupid lemonade stand!" Larxene nearly screamed. "It's a stupid idea!" She was about to say more, when she heard footsteps behind her. Both Axel and Larxene turned to come face-to-face with Xemnas.

"Do you have a problem with my lemonade stand?" Xemnas asked. "If you hate the lemonade, the lemonade will hate you."

Both Larxene and Axel stood stock still.

"Those who don't understand the lemonade; understand nothing." Xemnas went on to say. "I hope that you are not wasting any of the Lemonade in your anger. You see, it is rare nobody lemons that we use to create the lemonade. You know how hard it is to create lemon nobodies?"

"She said it all! I had nothing to do with it!" Axel said, pointing towards the woman beside him. "I was all like 'but, Larxene I'm like in love with this lemonade stand! I'm in love with the whole freaking concept!' and she was all like, and I quote, 'You stupid, Axel! Oh my evil, I hate you! Lemonade is stupid! OME!' and I was all like, 'Now, Larxene, that is no way to talk! Xemnas is an intelligent man!' and she was like 'Blah, blah, blah! I kill you and eat your brains' and—'"

Xemnas held up a hand to cut Axel off. "Silence! Redeem yourselves by selling lemonade to this costumer here!" He pointed towards a little girl whom came strolling towards the lemonade stand. With a swish of his cloak, Xemnas walked away.

"OMGZ!11111111 LEMONZADE!1111111" The girl, Michelle (AKA ForeverFlower on nine out of ten internet forums), screamed happily, clapping her hands together to express her joy. "EBOL LEMONZADE!1111111 I CAN DRINK IT B3ZTW33N C0TTING MY RISTS ADN H3RTZING KIZZENS!11111 LOLZ! LOL LOL LOL!111111111 MEH HURTZ KIZZENS!1111 MEH FUNNAY!11111 LOLZ!11111"

Larxene buried her head in her hands. "Did anybody ever wonder why I'm so keen on hurting people? I'm cleaning out the gene pool! You should be thanking me!"

"Shut it." Axel whispered. "Hey, kid," He said louder, addressing the girl, "Buy some lemonade and, accept the darkness!"

The girl pulled one of her pigtails over her shoulder, tugging on it in her good cheer. Oh, that child; the future of our nation. Does the world not seem so much brighter now? Kind of like when you color a window with black sharpie. "OMGZ!1111 U R SO HOTT!111111 B MEH BISSHIE!11111111 LOL!1111"

Axel lost composure for a moment. Regaining it, he managed to say: "Kid, just take the lemonade."

The girl ignored the waiting lemonade in Axel's hand. Instead, she skipped over towards a sulking Larxene. She punched the woman in her shoulder. Afterwards, screaming proudly: "OMG!1111 FAG!1111 U B33N PWNED!111"

Larxene immediately stood to her full height before bending forwards, so that she overshadowed the girl. Her hands were positioned so that they looked like claws, ready to strike. "That does it! You die, now!" Larxene smiled insanely. All the pain, the humiliation, having to restrain her evilness; it all ended there.

"Larxene!" Axel cried. He jumped over the counter, spilling various cups of lemonade in his wake.

But he wasn't fast enough. Larxene struck in an instant. She hit the child. Smiling satisfied, she turned around but, only to hear the child's grating voice again.

"OMG!1111 YOU CANTZ H3RTZ ME!111111 MEH B LVL 101010101010101010!11111111 MEH ALZO HAV3 A STAFF OF TEH UBER ULTIMATE PWNED-AGE!111111111 LOLZ!1111 MEH RUX AT 0N1IN3 GAM1NG!11111 LOLZ!1111"

Larxene screamed, in genuine pain. "I JUST HAVE TO HURT SOMETHING!" She shrieked. She yanked at her hair, ran in circles and, continued screaming.

Axel watched. "Wow, kid." He commented slowly. "You've totally destroyed Larxene's thought processes, shattered her life, and make her question the existence of any higher authority. That's totally cool."

"LOLZ!1111111 LOLZ LOL LOL LOL! ITZ PARTZ OF MEH JUBZ!11111111 LOL!1111111" Michelle replied. "BTW MEH HAV3 A FR13ND C0MING!111111 LOLZ!1111111"

Larxene stopped screaming and running, just for a moment, to let out a strangled: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

A girl, whom looked to be of similar age to Michelle, came strolling forward. While young, the girl looked to have already conquered to world of woman's fashion. From her nine inch heels, to rubber skirt, and pink frilly shirt, she would be at home on the cover of any magazine…unless its name didn't have some form of "Tacky Fashion" or "Young Idiots" in the title.

"Hey, Michelle!" the girl said, surprisingly talking normally.

Michelle motioned impatiently towards the girl. "TH1S B MEH BUD!1111 LOLZ!111 SH3 B CATHY!111"

Cathy smiled. "So is this the Pink Bunny Society?" She asked politely. For the first time, Axel noticed a little wagon she pulled behind her. In the wagon were caged bunnies. All the bunnies were fluffy and pink. Generally speaking, of course, they were adorable in an "OMG! KILL IT!" way.

Of course, if this were any other parody or humor story the bunnies would either be lined up for death's row or fanatical killers. However, this is not any of the other humor stories. This is a classy story. We can go by without any jokes about killing and/or being killed by bunnies. Okay, maybe just one.

Erratically, a bunny spontaneously combusted onto another bunny which, caused that bunny to go cannibalistic and eat the small bunny beside it.

Okay, there you go all you bunny-haters. I hope you enjoyed it because; it's back to the story.

Larxene was wild eyed and in a blood frenzy. She jumped towards the little red wagon. Tearing the door from the cage, she dragged out a tiny pink bunny. It was the tiniest of the bunch, an obvious runt. It was a puffball of pinkness, with tiny feet, nose and large black eyes.

It wiggled its nose as Larxene clutched it in both of her hands, holding its face close to hers. "Hello, young bunny." She said softly. "Now, you shall die." Her voice was one of mock sweetness.

"No! Not Snugglesnaps TM!" Cathy squealed, visibly distressed.

Axel observed it all with a bored eye. He knew that it was better to let Larxene have her way sometimes. He glanced over towards the "costumer" that Xemnas wanted them to serve. Michelle seemed to be enjoying herself, in all of her mock evil youngness.

Larxene threw the bunny onto the ground. Grinning as she heard the fulfilling plop as the bunny hit the earth. She was positive that she had thrown the bunny hard enough to kill it. For the first time in her shift, she felt joyous.

That was, until she heard a small voice scream, "LOLZ! PWNED!1111111"

Larxene spun around. "What did you say?" she shrieked, pointing at Michelle.

"LOLZ!111111111 NOT H3RZ!111 LOL LOL LOL!1111 MEH SAIZ IT!11111111 LOL LOL LOLZ!1111111" Came the small voice again.

Larxene shifted her gaze from Michelle to the ostensibly dead bunny.

"What!" Larxene asked, frantic.

The bunny quickly unraveled itself from its fetal position. It gazed at Larxene. "U CANT K1LLZ MEH!11111 I B LVL 999999999999999999!111111 LOLZ!" The bunny said.

Larxene tugged at her blonde hair. "I can't take this!" She screamed. "Something has to die! ARGH!" She ran as quickly as she could, away from the idiots whom were the source of her pain.

Axel watched her leave, waving towards her sarcastically. "Bye, Larxy!" He called after her. "We'll miss you!" He whispered the next words as he brought his hands towards his side. "…not"

Cathy smiled, acting as if none of this had happened. She tightened her grip on the handle of her wagon, occasional "LOLZ" coming from the bunny occupants.

She closed her eyes and, smiled towards Axel. "Is this the Pink Bunny Society?" She asked the same question she had earlier.

Axel stared at her strangely. "No." He said slowly, wondering what she was talking about.

"But," the girl began; rubbing her head in obvious puzzlement. "Someone here ordered these bunnies."

"Not me." Axel replied.

"It says on this order card that I got…" She acquired a card from her pocket. Holding it close to her face, she read:

_Bring bunnies-- pink bunnies-- to my lemonade stand. I need lots of bunnies so bring lots of bunnies. I need cute, chat speaking (gangsta if such is available) bunnies. I will pay you once you bring them. KK, bye._

_Love,_

_Xemnas_

After she had finished reading, she gently put away the card in her skirt's pocket. She waited for a response from Axel.

"Xemnas wouldn't write anything like that!" Axel glared at the girl. "I mean, he did make us start a lemonade stand…but, he had good reason for that! He isn't going to order any rabbits and, especially not write some sweet little letter like that. I mean--"

Axel's words were interrupted by a voice behind him.

"Oh goody! The bunnies I ordered are here!" Xemnas said, excited.

"Good evils, man!" Axel exclaimed. "I know that we are desperate after that brat kicked our asses but, this…" He motioned towards the lemonade stand. "…And THAT…" He motioned at the bunnies. "…is just too much!"

"Silence!" Xemnas commanded. He glared at Axel. Looking towards the bunnies, his face softened. He clapped his hands together and, bent down to see the bunnies better. "Oh, and they are just as I ordered!"

Cathy smiled. "Then do I get my payment, now?" She asked.

"Yes, you do. Your life is your payment. Now, go away."

Cathy grimaced. "What? Oh, you suck. I hate you!" She stomped her foot. "Come on, Michelle. We have _better_ places to be."

Michelle took a sip of the lemonade in her hand. "OMGZ!11111111 W3 L3AV3 THE SHEXY B1SH13S! OMGZ WTF? WTF? WTF?"

"There are better bishies." Her friend replied. She stuck her nose in the air and, sauntered off. Michelle followed.

Axel frowned. "And what," He began. "…are we going to do with a wagon full of bunnies?"

"We are going to give them away." Xemnas laughed evilly. "Every time we sell lemonade, we give away free bunnies."

Axel blinked. "…why?"

"Because I can!" Xemnas cackled. "It shows my authority and free-thinking over other, weaker villains." He paused. "Though, I've always had a thing for Maleficent." He smiled. "Of course, I do have a bigger plan for it.

Those chat speaking bunnies shall drive the general public wild! I can see it now! I will start an epidemic of people—annoyed--throwing their bunnies against the ground, in an effort to make them shut up and die! You want to know the worst part is?"

"Not really…" Axel answered.

Xemnas ignored him. "The bunnies never die! HAH HAH!"

Axel was still for a moment. Something clicked in his brain. Something that said, 'Get the hell out of there!' Axel was never one to question his instincts so he started to run away.

"ARGH! GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE!" He screamed. "Wait for me Larxene!"

Xemnas shrugged. Axel and Larxene's shift was over, anyway.

**XXXXXXXXX**

"I'm thirsty." Dr. Dumb announced as he and his bodyguard walked along the beach.

The bodyguard grabbed a water bottle hanging at his side, just for occasions like this. "Here you go." Fred offered.

The tiny heartless glared at the bottle in the large body's outstretched hand. "I can't drink that!"

"Why, boss?" The heartless asked, confused.

"That is virtuous liquid!" The heartless shrieked, frustrated. "I need something evil! I need something from the bowels of hell itself…"

"Boss, you do know," Fred Omega began "That evil drinks are really just a marketing strategy to sell normal drinks at inflated prices."

The littlest heartless pursed his lips. "Fred, Fred, Fred," He said slowly. "You are a simple creature and, frankly, that's your problem! You don't understand anything about this world, you unwanted box of toilet water!" He kicked his bodyguard's leg. "And you are shoddy at being evil."

"I try." The large body said despairingly.

"Yes," Dr. Dumwittin replied. "And that is what concerns me." The heartless sighed. "Oh, why, did I ever get stuck with you?"

"Fate?" Fred asked.

"No, bad luck." The heartless answered despondently.

A shrill scream ripped through the air. It warranted the attention of both Dr. Dumb and Fred Omega; which they gave, by the way. Both heartless whirled around to see a woman running towards them.

"AAHHHHHH!" Larxene screamed.

She came and passed, running further away from the heartless.

"I think she's coming from that lemonade stand over there." Fred said, pointing.

"I knew that!" The heartless examined the distance, making out the shape of the lemonade stand on the horizon. "Screaming people running away as fast as they can…that must be a lemonade stand of pure evil! Come, you moronic monkey," Dr. Dumb motioned for Fred to come with him. "I have found the refreshments of my dreams! And then, I shall have my revenge on Sora!"

"Alright, Boss." Fred Omega agreed. He wondered what type of trouble they could get into this time…

**XXXXXXXXXXXXX**

And that is the end of this chapter. Review it, please. I always enjoy feedback.


	8. Chapter 8: The Theory of Nothing

Hello, everyone. I'm back. I doubt that will have much import other than for a few minutes of your hopeful enjoyment. I suppose I better take this time to shamelessly promote one of my friend's stories in the most un-subtle manner attainable. Go read KingdomHeartsDayDreamer's stories. They're nice and fluffy, but are good, especially at later chapters.

BTW, this is totally not a scheme to steal money from my beloved readers, but if I said that you could have a Dr. Dumb mint condition ethereal plush doll that existed solely on the fifth plane of Limbo and made exclusively with the purest air from the Moon, would you send me money?

Disclaimer: I don't own the Kingdom Hearts (TM) franchise. ((See, you corporate artists of the video game (is video game TM'ed, too? I forgot) medium, I even put a TM! I'm not trying to steal your franchise! But, I will, in time, gather my forces to create a rival franchise. I shall name it Kingdom Soul: The Rip-off or maybe put something like Dragon in the title...all good rip-offs have Dragon in the title! Some get adventurous and mix up the words dragon and add an 'E' in place of the 'D'. Awww…those clever bastards))

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In a galaxy far, far away there was a conspiracy against the structure of the human-lined sanity of the world order. The conspiracy went like this, and took place in the mind of a human man who just plain down was sick of his creations, "How can I add a human aspect to the most bad ass villain ever?" He must have thought. "No, actually, how can I destroy that villain's and my own credibility?" He must have rubbed his chin thoughtfully at this moment, feeling that he was teetering on the edge of an idea. "I know! I'll make him a child! A cute, adorable, fluffy child named Annie Vader!"

The man must have snapped his fingers at this point, for it was the only sensible action to take. "And he'll fly around in a cardboard box…but, he's TALENTED at said cardboard box. Maybe, he'll occasionally scream things such as 'Wipee' and 'Are you an angel?' I'm so brilliant!" The man exclaimed. "Mua ha! I'll never be able to convince my fans of this! Perfect!"

Unfortunately, this conspiracy is not the center of this chapter and, only serves to waste space and your time. No, the REAL story began on an island…Destiny Island. The island was named aptly because it served as a breeding ground for new heroes and their girlfriends on new exciting adventures in which, they all learned the valuable lessons of how the light somehow always equates to good morals (good god, don't you dare sleep without a nightlight! That darkness is pure evil!)…unless, you just so happened to be Bob.

Said destinies did not reach for Bob, no matter how hard he reached for them because, he was a sad, pathetic, unattractive loser doomed to live a normal life with his normal girlfriend, who was neither particularly attractive nor pure of heart. At least, he didn't have to work to get or keep her, for the forces of darkness were uninterested in her normalcy. Bob's parents were still alive, and had not been transformed or born as evil bad ass monsters or barnacles. They had the normal names of Joe and Karen. The only lessons Bob would ever learn would be depressingly practical and would only state that you do not really get all that much wiser between the ages of fourteen and seventy, and if you lived to see eighty, then you could always fake wisdom.

Of course, Bob was not the only one on Destiny Island going through hard times. There was a whole Organization of his fellow bad time-sharers; except, they were all startlingly more important than Bob, even in their ragged states. They accounted this to sharp dressing on their part and the fact that ninety-nine percent of their members managed to rival and exceed any member of Bob's family, including his wife, sister and grandmother, in sheer femininity and beauty. The other one percent managed to beat out Bob's whole family in sheer masculinity and handsomeness.

Their leader, Xemnas, had fallen under hard times. So hard that the state of his sanity was often a topic of heated debate. After losing to Sora, something that had held him together had snapped.

His sanity's sorry state was commonly believed to have started with a word-mixing game that had become popular amongst munchkins and girls and boys and the rest of those annoying people in the world alike. The game went that one player or team would present an opposite team with a word in which they mixed and had to somehow create from it a new word or phrase.

"Such a highly, educational experience for our little buds of the future to participate in! Their skills with the garrulous shall outdo –insert rival country's name here—by the end of the year!" the world had screamed in unison.

Unfortunately, scandal surrounded the game as the word Xemnas frequently became Mansex ™, much to Xemnas' distress. Certain groups offended by the words 'man' and 'sex', mostly by the latter some by the former, quickly called for the game to be burned.

However, opposing groups countered that it was only free speech and, that if anyone had a problem with it they were stuffy losers. Ostensibly for protest, people began to wear spiffy black shirts embellished with the phrases such as 'For Mansex', 'Mansex equals Free Speech.', 'I participated in Mansex…at the January Protests!' and 'Xemnas is Mansex Forever!' People were elated to finally have a reason to wear shirts that said 'mansex'; it quickly became vogue. Xemnas' name was now, and forever, associated with Mansex, causing him deep mental scars. Which, everyone found really cool, and the t-shirts, along with mugs, Barbie dolls and baby bibs, began to appear in an even higher frequency.

The first group opposed the second by donning nun's attire and becoming all-the-round stuffier. All of this, cumulated into an all out brawl between the groups in which, members beat each other across the face with dictionaries; some of the newer dictionaries even contained an entry for Mansex and used Xemnas as a synonym.

In an effort to make things under control and civilized, local politicians gave the two warring factions microphones. The microphones, everyone found, were surprisingly effective bludgeoning weapons and, dictionaries quickly became a thing of the past.

Eventually, both groups grew bored and went home. News agencies were more than happy to label it as a truce. It was also reported that there were a substantial number of microphones and dictionaries for sale over E-bay ™.

Even though the whole ordeal was technically finally over, it had left profound effects upon Xemnas. Foremost amongst them was that he was now insane, though he had been told that he was not clinically so, and could no longer function properly within normal society, despite being told the opposite. He was now a malfunctioning part of normal society.

Dr. Dumb, for his part, was unaware of any insanity of the sort when he and his bodyguard, Fred Omega, strolled towards the evil lemonade stand.

Xemnas watched the two heartless come, an eager grin spreading across his face. He could only faintly remember anything as he put on his best expression. He was not so good at smiling now since it had been months since he done so and, he had donated his teeth to the Old Panda Society. What a good cause. The strain of the action was obvious as his eyebrows struggled upward, his mouth shook as he forced it into the unnatural smiling position.

Dr. Dumb heeded not Xemnas' scary face as he came sashaying forward in a brave stride that was brave beyond brave and made brave go, "SO BRAVE!" as he tried to be brave in the face of his girlfriend's , named Brave, brave anger.

"I shall take," The heartless began in a squeaky-boom voice. "a cup of your most evil brew."

Xemnas' expression never fell. It stayed put in its same struggling mid-movement. He never broke the silence, either.

Fred glanced about, uneasy. He wanted to warn his client of the dangers that he felt must surely exist here. Of course, he knew that his boss would not listen. Nobody listened to him. He was neither cute, attractive, an attractive female, an attractive pseudo-female/male hybrid or bad ass. He was Fred. Fred Omega; that was enough for him to stay in his temporary state of silence.

Dr. Dumb waited, his patience growing short…and shorter…shorter…and shorter until, it was shorter than he and Dumwitten could surely look it in the eye; if it weren't a non-material abstract idea, that is. The heartless coughed. "I SAID I want lemonade." He almost screamed it; through some sort of miracle in self-control, he only screamed key terms within it. The key terms, curiously, were in a different color than the other words. Guess they liked to show off.

"Don't speak to me!" Xemnas exclaimed, his terrible smile still existent upon his face. "Speak to them! They are the ones taking the orders!" He pointed.

The heartless shifted his gaze to the two people that Xemnas motioned towards. Before the heartless were two of the most colorful, wonderful, lively, animated, extraordinary…cardboard cutouts ever. To make matters stranger, they were life-size and then some cut outs of Axel and Larxene. It looked like the original pictures of the two had been of the frowning countenance, hence why someone decided to draw a smiling mouth on a piece of notebook paper and tape it onto their faces.

"You've got to be--" The heartless began, but was cut off.

"Aren't the terrific?" Xemnas asked.

"They're cardboard." The heartless said, feeling as if he didn't have to explain any more.

"So? We aren't all made from the same stuff, you know! I hope you aren't materialist…"

"They don't talk." The heartless tried again, still not up to explaining his whole opinion.

"As all good people in retail should!" He exclaimed.

The heartless yanked at an antenna. "Look, all I want is a cup of lemonade...and what do I get?" Fred felt the urge to answer, but decided to keep quiet as the heartless continued. "I get a madman playing with…paper dolls." He ended the sentence on a note of distaste.

"Ah. I see." Xemnas began to say sanely. That is, until he spoke again, effectively making his sentence half-sane. "Shall I pile on the angst…with a butter knife!"

"No but, you can die." The heartless huffed, heaving breath into his chest in an exercise meant to calm him.

Xemnas ignored him. "So, can I take your order?" Xemnas asked, trying to copy Larxene's feminine voice. He even moved the Larxene cut-out up-and-down in a passing semblance of life.

"Boss, wasn't that just a cardboard cutout a second…?" Fred glanced at it anxiously. See, I told you that his silence was only temporary.

"Shut up, Fred." Dr. Dumwitten snapped.

"You remembered my name!" The large-body heartless proclaimed with glee.

"And I just forgot it." Dr. Dumb sighed. "Just get me a glass of lemonade. Hold the souls of the innocent for just this once. I don't have much of an appetite today."

"Totally!" The horrible Xemnas/Larxene hybrid said. The man quickly prepared the lemonade; the sound of glass resonated through the air. He handed it to the heartless upon its completion.

"You know this all figures into my evil plan." Xemnas said casually. He leaned against the stand, his elbow supporting his weight.

"I'm sure it does." The heartless replied dryly, grumbling the word idiot under his breath.

"I even gave it a codename. You know, as in I put a bunch of letters together and took what I got."

"Congratulations." The therapist answered with no good cheer. "You've mastered your phonics."

"I call my plan by the acronym…P.O.R.N!" The man tapped his finger on the table rapidly, happy to be able to monologue his ideas to the world.

"I hope that isn't intentional." Dr. Dumb took another sip of his drink.

"Which is really an acronym for…P.O.R.N.O.G.R.A.P.H.Y!" The man continued explaining.

"Oh unhallowed evils." Dr. Dumwitten moaned.

"Which is an acronym for--" Xemnas was interrupted before he could finish.

"0MG!1111 M3h w4ntz summz m4dz P0RN!11111" A bunny screeched from its cage nearby.

"Igad!" Xemnas screamed. "It attempts to speak! I shall now use my mind powers to attempt to establish communication!" He promptly, and stiffly, stared at the rabbit with a great and passing intensity.

Fred poked Xemnas but, the man remained rigid and still. Dr. Dumb, deciding that he needed a more aggressive way of poking, kicked Xemnas' leg. The man fell of from the force, but as he fell and hit the ground thereafter, he did not lose the position that he had kept while standing.

A moment went by, Xemnas picked himself back up. "That rabbit has put up its mind shields. I can't communicate with it." He glared at the rabbit, unaware that Dr. Dumb was glaring at him.

The man shrugged. "Ah well. Anyway, what did you think of the lemonade?"

The heartless snorted. "I thought that it was anything but good, not enjoyable, and not pleasant; I would be giddy with glee to shove it down your throat."

"Thank you." Xemnas smiled. He hastily wrote something on a piece of large paper. He promptly taped it to the Lemonade Stand's sign. It read:

Lemonade Stand Reviews:

"Good…enjoyable…pleasant…giddy with glee… I really liked it."

--Dr. Dumwitten, Therapist

"What?" The little heartless screamed. "That just took everything I said out of context! …And when did I ever say 'I really liked it'? When! WHEN! You ill-begotten son of a magpie…" The heartless hopped up and down, his jacket waving about him.

"I'm a marketer." Xemnas grinned. "How else would I run an entire organization of evil?"

"Force." The heartless offered dryly.

"The force of economics!" The man announced triumphantly. "Besides, I'm sure that you meant to say 'I really liked it' so I added it in."

The heartless gave him the coldest glare he could muster. His large eyes narrowed and the heartless was beside himself with anger. The anger said 'Hello', by the way.

"Anyway," Marketer Xemnas turned towards Fred. "What did you think of the lemonade? Speak truthfully and we shall see if you understand…EVERYTHING!"

Fred blinked. "You want my…opinion?"

The man nodded. "For you really do matter! It's just what you say that doesn't." He piped out his newly made motto. He thought it was quite good.

"Well," Fred thought for a moment. He wanted to sound smart. He wanted the surely upcoming paper weight to be worth it if he was going to give his opinion. Then again, maybe the paper weight was just Dr. Dumwitten's thing. "Erm…it was lemonade."

"Oooo! Perfect!" Xemnas cried.

"He actually wants that thin-wit's opinion…even after he heard my perfect one?" Dr. Dumb muttered quietly.

Xemnas carefully scribbled something onto the review sign that read:

"It was lemonade."

--Fred Omega, Bodyguard

"What!" The therapist clenched his fangs. "That's not an opinion! And, how do you know our names…!"

"Boss," Fred said joyously, his eyes filled with tears as his spirit reached new heights. "Somebody cares about my opinion enough to write it down!"

"No, Fred." The little heartless replied deliberately. "They always care about an idiot's opinion so they can easily market it to idiots." Those word's ate Fred's spirit altogether.

"Okay, Boss."

"Oh, before I forget." Xemnas began. "Any one of you interested in buying a keyblade? I have plenty to sell out back, all leftovers from that Kingdom Soul 3. 5 Never-ending trailer."

"Why would I want a damn weapon shaped like a key?"

"I guarantee that, with these, you will never be locked out of your house and/or vehicle again!" Xemnas had a look of victory about him, as if he had won something. Nobody was sure what that was exactly.

Dr. Dumb shook his head. His life was hard enough without dealing with this. Then a thought occurred to him. There it all was, before him, a miracle trapped in a madman's carcass. Now, to only convince this madman to help him…

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And, so ends chapter eight. Ye verily, my friends, thou shalt never forget that even Old English had chatspeak. So long as people communicate, they shalt always do so wrongly and stupidly. I theorize that thy great creator's of chatspeak lived in the Middle Ages.

((Yes, I realize that I just bastardized old english...so said.))


	9. Chapter 9: Call it Normal

Hello, I bring another update. I've changed the summary back to its original form. The old one is below. Yeah, I'm indecisive but, hey, life goes on and is ostensibly working. Who am I to change?

Yes, this chapter is a little on the short side. Sorry.

BTW, none of the old English in this story is even CLOSE to the real thing. For the love of the world and its mother, don't try to convince your instructors that it is. And, better yet, don't drop my name if you do. The old English in this story is so bastardized that it would make an evil warlord weep.

**Summary:** The trouble with evil is how dramatically it always seems to fail. Join an evil heartless as he fails in the most undramatic fashions possible! Along the way he will face twu wuv, uncivilized language and fangirls, all in one fanfic! Woo hoo!

**Disclaimer:** I do not own the Kingdom Hearts franchises. But, I do own this nice little summary. How quaint.

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"Look, can you help me?" Dr. Dumb asked.

Xemnas was perplexed. "With what?"

Dr. Dumb leaned forward, craning his head. "Know that Sora kid?"

Xemnas nodded. "Oh yes! I love that kid! Such a nice boy!"

Dumwittin jumped backwards. Fred Omega copied him, reasoning that if Dumwittin did something, he should too.

"Wha-wha-wha-wha-WHAT!?" The miniscule heartless' voice exploded. "YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO HATE HIM!"

"No, no." Xemnas corrected, waving a finger in Dumwittin's face. "I love the new perspective on life he has allowed me to foster!"

"WHAT!?" Dumwittin exploded again.

"Boss," Fred whispered, poking Dumwittin in the shoulder. "You're yelling."

"WHAT!?" The heartless screamed again.

"Oh yes. He inspired me to become good, to redeem myself!"

"WHAT!?" The heartless screeched.

"Boss," Fred whispered once more. "You're straining your vocal cords. They might pop…um…like rubber bands!"

"And so, to redeem myself…I bought a nightlight! No more darkness for me or anyone else after I'm done with my Share the Light campaign! But, first, I must destroy the moon and stop this world's gravitational spin. Because the night is evil!"

The little heartless blinked.

"What I wouldn't do for the love of humanity!" Xemnas screamed.

The little heartless blinked, rapidly.

"It almost makes me want to cry." The man continued.

The little heartless' blinking became rapider still.

"Why, boss!" Fred exclaimed. "This man is a lot nicer than I originally thought!"

The therapist was quiet. "Dear life, I hate you."

"Boss, are you okay?"

"Of course, Fred!" He snapped. "Everything is just going terribly fine!"

"Oh, that's good, Boss. Just wanted to make sure that you were okay."

"Oh, Fred, you idiot! Just look how everything is working out for me! Why, Xemnas looks like a heaping of help and a side of talent in my quest of revenge!" The heartless' voice took on a sarcastic tone and clung to it.

"That's great, boss!" Fred replied with genuine gusto.

Dumwittin glared at his bodyguard. "Shut up, Fred."

Fred blinked. "What did I do?" He asked, dispirited.

"Everything, you blimp. Everything."

"Sorry." He replied, frowning.

Xemnas interrupted. "Look, a new costumer!"

Dumwittin turned, squinting to see who this new costumer was.

Then, he saw. A dot charged forward. As the distances became shorter, that dot seemed to grow legs. Ever closer, the dot became a shape. A shape of a man, on a white stallion, with a sword. How original.

Closer the man became, and one could make out details that the distance had hidden. Now, he saw the clanking shining armor this man wore, his shining blonde hair and white teeth. His ornate sword, possibly stolen off of Aragorn's corpse, shone. His horse's coat shone. His teeth shone. Everything shone. All around, he looked to be a shiny kind of guy.

"Greetings and well met" The man said. "I have cometh to destroy thou in thy den of pure eeeeviiiil!"

"Destroying evil makes people thirsty! Drink some lemonade before you begin!" Xemnas piped.

"Hmmm…I am thirstie." He took a beverage.

Watching him drink, Xemnas chanted. "You look hot in all that armor! Drink lemonade faster, faster!"

The man watched him suspiciously over the rim of his drink. "Thy is very strangeth."

"What was your first clue?" Dumwittin said dryly.

The man ignored the heartless. "I am Sir Nobeus. This," He pointed towards the horse. "is my ignoble steed, Ignoble. This be thy sword, Thaumradil"

"Right. That's all so interesting, you walking tin can." Dr. Dumb said.

"Ah, it tis interesting. It tis. Ignoble and I wander yonder to save fair maidens. Mostly, I saving fair maidens from Ignoble's carnivorous ways, but tis a work that I find most satisfying. Lately, yon yonder horse Ignoble has come over with a strangeth affliction upon his dialect. Listen with close ears to see."

For a moment, the horse stared as much at them as they at it. Simply, staring, not doing a thing. Then, it opened its mouth and said, "OMG!!111!!!!!!!!1111111 THOUETH BEEN PWNED!!!!111!!!!!!11111111111111111 YONDER BUTTZ KIKKIN!!!1111 CUUL!!!!!!!111 !"

The knight sighed. "Thy honestly doth not understand what tis wrong with Ignoble. But, stranger still is Thaumradil's way of speak."

"Ya'll think ya'll can take me! Uh uh, boyfriend! I don't play that game! Uh uh! I eat it!" The sword rang out in a most unmelodious voice.

"I do not know of what Thaumradil doth speaketh. I am neither her boy or friend. Hmmm…"

"Ooooh!" Xemnas exclaimed. "What a pretty steed."

"Indeed, Ignoble is." The knight replied.

"OMG!!! THOU IZZ RITE!!!!!!11111111 OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!1111. HUGETH AND KISSETH THEE XOXOXOXO LOLZ ME AND ME SISTA AREZ PART OF THEE LOLZ BRIGAND…LOLZ LOLZ LOL LOL ROFL!!!!11113322" The horse replied.

"Look, Knighty, don't you have anything else to do?" Dumwittin asked.

"Like drinketh this lemonade and destroyeth this den of evil?"

"No, metal ass, I meant doing things like, I don't know, going away?" The heartless said slowly.

"No, not truly. I hath all the time I need…to destroyeth this den of eveeeeel."

"Don't you have some chicks to save?" The heartless said frankly.

"You mean, fair maidens? Are there any around?" He glanced around.

"There's a guy named Riku." Fred offered helpfully.

"But, he is a male! I doth not want to save males…boys are icky…" The knight explained.

"He has breasts." Dumwittin smiled evilly.

"Breasts! That doth put things in a new light! Come my steed!" The knight rode away, and away, and away, and away, and away…

Until, there was no more away to go, so he turned left, partly right, and was off again and gone.

"Finally." The little heartless breathed. "I thought that bastard would never go away."

"Hey, boss, what form of chatspeak was that metal guy speaking." Fred asked.

The heartless shrugged. "You mean that knight guy? Beats me. It sounded smart though. Maybe it was some advanced form of chatspeak."

The large body heartless froze. "You mean… …" He danced from foot to foot, left to right, side to side. "They're evolving?" He panicked, frightened of such a concept.

Dr. Dumwittin perked considerably at this statement, thinking. "Fangirls…fanboys…" His yellow eyes became circlets. "Unholy crap! You're actually right, they're evolving!"

"Actually," Xemnas broke in. "It's only what some people like to call puberty."

"Puberty?" Dr. Dumb asked. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"Well, you see, all fangirls and fanboys go through puberty, or evolve, once they reach a certain age. For some, they get more mature and become doctors or lawyers. For others, they grow up and sell their own homes to buy the latest of 'The Bad-Ass Neko Yasha: Love me' or 'Final Fantasy MCLVII-2-3-4-9: It'll never end biotches!' So, you see, what I mean now?"

"No, stupid, I don't." The therapist snapped. Then sighed, seeing better. "Okay, fine, maybe a little."

"Great!" Xemnas exclaimed. "Now, buy some lemonade!"

Dr. Dumb was about to speak, no doubt to screech some sort of retort. He really wanted too but, he was interrupted by another voice; a strange, unfamiliar voice of a strange stranger. Really though, do strangers come in any other type?

"It's old English." said the stranger. Upon a glance, he could be seen for what he was; an unfamiliar shape, a man. He was obese, tussled hair and average in every respective of his appearance. There was no effort on any part to make him anything more, and his simple, white t-shirt and denim jeans bellied all he was in simple visual. "A bastardized version of old English, yeah, but that's what it is."

"Oh, good!" Fred said. "I was worried about those evolving fan kids there for a second…"

"My daughter was something of a fan girl before she discovered black eyeliner and rock." The man said.

"You mean rock music?" Dr. Dumb asked.

"No, I mean literal rocks. Um, you know the type of rocks that are made from the ground, not angsty feelings, broken homes and vocal cords of steel. She has a whole collection…somewhere I forgot where. The Pup—erm, um--Powers forbid I don't much care where as long as she keeps them out of my kitchen. Do you know how hard it is to cook around rocks? Eventually, we just started cooking rocks. You can come over for dinner anytime you want." He turned to Xemnas. "Could I get some lemonade?"

Xemnas grinned. "Yes. Our lemonade is made fresh from the blood of the innocent…or your satisfaction back! It's our guarantee from us to you, much loved costumer!"

The man blinked. "Erm…O-okay."

"You're not evil." Dr. Dumwittin observed dryly.

"Evil? No, of course not. Why would I be evil?" The man replied. "I wasn't made to be evil."

"That's okay." Fred said. "I'm still learning to be ebol…erm, _evil_…too. I'm not there yet, Boss considers me to be nothing but a sugar muffin, but hard work and practice always pay off!"

"You thin minded dolt! Evil isn't about hard work and practice!" Dumwittin yelled. "It's about ripping somebody's leg off and beating them with it!"

"Oh." Fred said. "That too, I guess. But, could we at least do something with that leg…I mean, like sell it and give the money to starving orphans? Or, at least, I don't know, feel bad while we beat that person with their own leg?"

"Oh, sure, stupid. And, what would you have us do after that…DONATE TO THE SAVE A WHALE CAMPAIGN!?" The tiny heartless screamed. "Oh, wait. I forgot. There's a whale in front of me already…named Fred."

"Boss, I would love to meet this Fred whale." The bodyguard glanced around expectantly waiting.

"Stupid bodyguard," The heartless muttered. "It's so hard to be evil with him hanging about, goody-ing up my evil. Pfeh."

The man gave Dumwitten a strange look. "You truly are controlled by your role." He said simply, soft voiced.

"What the hell are you talking about?" The heartless asked.

"Obviously," Xemnas began importantly. "He wants to fix the uncontrollable fates."

"Eh? Sorry, I don't seem to understand you, stupid. Run that by me again." Dr. Dumb replied.

"He wants lemonade!" Xemnas continued.

The man seemed thankful for the distraction. "I'll pass on the lemonade bit." He replied. "I need something that'd get me drunk in fifty seconds flat."

"Oh, yes." Xemnas replied. "The SUPER tankard."

"The…super tankard?" Dr. Dumb asked.

"Nobody has ever survived the SUPER tankard." He grinned.

"That would work wonderfully." The man said.

"Good, good." Xemnas shuffled below the lemonade stand, searching for something. "Now, if you don't mind and I know you don't, please sign these wavers."

The man looked confused. "What are they?"

"Soul release forms." Xemnas explained. "They're very important. Otherwise, if something happened to you, I could be sued and we don't want that, now do we?"

The man signed his name as Bob on the dotted line. "I hope I don't regret this later."

"Oh, you will." Dr. Dumb said evilly. "You will."

"Great." Bob replied.


	10. Chapter 10: State of the Lemonade

Here's chapter 10 of Kingdom Idiots. Wow. Chapter 10. That's ten more chapters than I usually do. Typically, I have a hard time actually finishing stories. My other stories have been left for the dead, really. It's kind of sad but when you just don't feel like writing it anymore, well, you just don't.

XXXXXXXXX

Bob held the Soul Release forms to his nose, scrutinizing them in detail. "What's this part about the stripper? Is that for if I get so drunk I cheat on my wife with one?"

"No, no." Xemnas waved his hands. "That would be section A-2-mini .5. That one's for if you get so drunk that you mistake your wife for a stripper."

Bob snorted. "Not bloody likely. I love the woman but she ain't exactly a hunk of cake that I would pay money for."

Xemnas smiled. "You're going to have to sign on that, too."

"On what?" Bob asked.

"On insulting your wife, you clout." Dr. Dumb interrupted. "If she does anything terrible to you because of that…well. It isn't his fault." He turned to Xemnas. "Good call on that one, by the way. Vengeful wives are a hassle. Fred barely protected me from my last girlfriend."

"Oh, yes." Bob said dryly. "I'm sure women just crawl all over you."

"They do," Dr. Dumb insisted. "They just usually use nails first. I got love marks all up and down my back." The heartless pointed to his back. It was a futile gesture, seeing as how heartless do not really scar and their skin is black with more than a little shadow, which probably causes problems in the "love mark" department.

"Let me guess, I can't see it because they used invisible nail polish, right?" Bob said sarcastically.

"Hey, don't you try that sarcasm on me or I'll have Fred here beat you…no, scratch that. Fred doesn't beat. I'll _actually_ have Fred accidentally, unintentionally, not-my-bloody-fault squish you while trying to touch the sun."

"Trying to touch the sun?" Bob asked incredulously.

"Hey, don't question me. I can't help it if Fred believes everything I say." Dumwitten shrugged. "His little brain might fry before he gets to the sun, though." He smiled with the sentence.

"What was that, boss?" Fred asked.

"You weren't listening and you didn't ask that question," Dr. Dumb replied.

"I wasn't? Hmmm…my individual self must be getting in the way again." Fred knocked his head. "Maybe, I can hit it out."

"Yeah, you're really going to have to work on that whole individuality thing, Fred. It just isn't working for you," Dumwitten agreed.

"I'll try, boss!" The large body heartless said enthusiastically.

"Good. Now go act like a rock or something." The heartless ushered him away.

"I'll be the best, most conformed, unthinking rock ever, Boss!" The large body ambled away, widened his eyes and fell to the ground, on his side, rock still.

"Yeah, yeah. I'm sure it wouldn't be too hard for you," The heartless said dismissively.

Bob examined this paper. "Hey," he exclaimed. "This section on the varying uses of rocks that you are not responsible for, wasn't here no two minutes ago!"

"I just had a lemonade-induced thought," Xemnas said. "I had to add it, for safety reasons."

"And, what's this section that just says the word: don't?" Bob asked in once more.

"That one's optional! You still have to pay if you sign it, though," Xemnas explained.

After a few minutes of soul giving and business talk (only on Xemnas' end, of course) Bob finished the slow, meandering task born of his highly corporate and flashy world.

He handed the forms to Xemnas. "Everything signed, except the optional one."

"Terrific!" Xemnas bubbled. "Now, here comes the important question: Do you want your beer to be a Banana or BC?"

"Huh?" Came the highly intelligent reply. Find a metaphor in it and then we'd be talking literary!

"Totally!" Xemnas bubbled again. "BCs are for losers! Bananas rox my BCs to shame! Here, I have promotional propaganda to prove it." He held up a piece of paper. There were two stick figures on it. It looked to have drawn in some sort of glittery crayon, but was inevitably the work of the company and had been trademarked as Banana Corp. One of the stick figures had glasses and a suit and was awful lonely. The other was totally rad, totally hip, and oh so totally teh cool that the coolness radiated of him and to the two lovely stick ladies in lovely stick bikinis, that hung from his stick-y arm. The first guy was a BC user. The second was a Banana user.

Dumwitten glared. "You stupid goat beard! BCs have all the games, Bananas have none! How are you cool if all you can do is surf through internet porn and work?"

"And, did I mention that Bananas get NO viruses!"

"That's because everybody feels sorry for the tiny group of over-compensating individuals that actually buy into this crap," Dumwitten explained heatedly.

"Just yesterday, my Banana talked to me!"

"Did it talk to you in a sexy, woman voice?" Dumwitten mocked. "If so, I think that's all the woman you need. You don't need those stick babes."

"Pfeh! He's a typical, bitter BC user! Switch to Banana! Even my employees love Banana! Watch this!" He grappled the cardboard cut-outs of Larxene and Axel by their cardboard heads.

"OMG! I LOVE MY BANANA! IT TEH ROX! LOOK AT ME! I'M HIP!" He affixed sunglasses onto both of the cut-outs and somehow managed to twist his voice into a shadow of theirs.

"You can't be serious…" Dr. Dumb mumbled.

"I like to use my Banana with my Icool." Xemnas smiled.

"Oh, really." The tiny heartless asked. "Tell me, what does the Icool do?"

"It does whatever you want it to do and comes in a variety of flashy colors. And, we advertise it with dancing, sexy bikini babes…rawr! I shall now demonstrate the Icool's versatility!" He dropped the Icool into a pitcher of lemonade. It floated; must've been made out of hot air. "Not only can it serve as a hip toy and ship, it can also be an educational tool for young children!"

"And, a weapon." Dumwitten grinned.

"I'm talking about children here!" Xemnas replied.

"Ever been to a nursery? Trust me, you'd understand," The heartless said.

Xemnas threw the Icool aside. "Did I mention it has great throwing/flying/invisibility mechanisms?" He drew himself over the stand eagerly. "So, what do you say? BC or Banana? Need I remind you that BC has yet to do anything innovative in years?"

"Hey!" The heartless squeaked. "That's a cheap shot! We could be innovative; we just choose to use our time more wisely!"

"Like stealing ideas!" Xemnas screamed.

"Yeah, so? You know how hard it is to train the spies? We don't have time to actually make anything new." The heartless stood firmly.

"Choose now or no SUPER tankard!" Xemnas exclaimed.

The man blinked, blank. "Ummm…how about Linux?"

They both glared at him. "Don't you ever mention that-that…MONIKER in my presence ever again," Dumwitten said darkly.

"I would sell a Linux using costumer poison." Xemnas hissed.

"Oh…" Bob was intimidated.

"Isn't what you already sell?" The tiny heartless asked.

"That's beside the point!" Xemnas screamed. "Now, join Banana!" He flashed a flashlight in Bob's eyes, the light constantly changing its neon colors. "Join it, love it, and cuddle it! The banana knows all!"

"Okay, okay, I choose Banana! I just can't take the colors…GAH!" Bob covered his eyes, cringing.

"Perfect." Xemnas smiled his victory at Dumwitten, who in turn glared his bottomless hatred.

Xemnas poured a something brown into a huge vat. The vat was labeled with a neon-colored banana wearing sunglasses.

Bob began to walk towards it.

"Wait!" Xemnas held up a hand. "You have to drink it over there!" He pointed farther down the beach. To a place. A weird place.

He looked closely. Wow. It was_ that_ place.

He could smell the alcohol from where he stood; his nostrils cringed in absolute terror.

Xemnas carried the vat over to a platform. The platform was shaped into the curious shape of a coffin.

Bob stared. "I truly hope that coffin isn't there for reasons I think it is…"

"Oh, it is." Dumwitten grinned. "It is."

"Does that include allowing me to 'handle' your funeral insurance?" Xemnas asked smoothly.

"You couldn't do that," Bob replied.

Xemnas held the Soul Release form aloft. "Oh yes I can. You already signed it all away to me."

"Oh, shit," Bob said darkly.

"You signed that away as well!" He caressed the paper, humming.

"I hope you don't mean that literally. Though, I suppose you handle shit all the time." The heartless gave a pointed look to the lemonade stand.

"I have absolutely no idea what you are implying," Xemnas replied. He held a paper up. "However, you can write it all down here so I can work on deciphering it later." He turned the paper around, revealing the words Soul Release Form. "Make sure you sign on the dotted line."

Dumwitten glared.

Bob stepped forward, breathing with reckless abandon, polluting the air with the sheer human-ness of the action.

Another step.

Another step.

Again, a step.

With a great suddenness of moment, something squeaked as it…flew by. When the minds caught up to what it was, they gawked.

"Whoo! I won the box race!" Annie Vader screamed from his flying/hovering cardboard box. He flew in circles.

"What the hell is that?" Dumwitten asked, disgusted.

"Why, it's Annie Vader! The wonder boy!" Xemnas exclaimed cheerily.

Annie gave them a salute before diving head first into the Super Tankard.

There were strange animal like noises and a slurping sound. The boy crawled out from the top of the vat, screeching wildly. "WOOT!" He screamed. "I'm going to go practice my youngling killing skills now!"

He rode off in his box.

The three walked towards the vat.

It was empty.

"Eeeh!" Xemnas screeched. "He didn't sign a Soul Release form!" Xemnas felt a fainting spell come over him and he breathed heavily against it. Then that breathing became hyperventilation.

"The damn kid drank it all!" Dumwitten stared surprised.

"I still have to pay for this, don't I?" Bob asked weakly.

"Yes," Xemnas replied. "You do."

"Oh," Bob replied. "I think there's still some left."

"Hey, boss." Fred walked over.

"Go away, Fred." Dumwitten said darkly.

"Anyway, Boss, I think I was a great rock." He smiled. "The lady rock next to me thought so. So, I decided to come on back!"

The tiny heartless gave him a glare.

Fred was oblivious to it. "What's that?" He stared at the vat. Walking for it, he whistled a tune. That tune kept rolling and rolling and rolling until he ran into the vat, spilling the little rest of the beer.

"My drunk juice!" Bob cried.

"Eh. Whatever." Dumwitten preened an antenna. "Just Fred being a dumb ass."

"I'm still getting my money," Xemnas said loftily.

"Ugh. I know." Bob rubbed his temples. "I know."

XXXXXXX

And, so ends Chapter 10. Next, episode we shall see a classic tale of the clash between good, evil and fangirls. Stay tuned.


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